If Life is a Box of Chocolates...

Then cancer is a box of Bean Boozled jelly beans. If you have never had them, the box contains multiples of 10 different colors of jelly beans, with each color having a good flavor and a disgusting flavor.

For example, pinkish color jelly beans are either strawberry banana smoothie or dead fish. A tan and brown bean is either toasted marshmallow or stink bug. You don't know which flavor you will get until you bite into it, and it can be nauseating.

That's how having cancer is. Earlier this month I was told I had successful surgery, got clear margins and clear nodes. I was cancer free!*** Then came the fine print.

***The amended Pathology Report noted that they found 4 small live cancerous stragglers in the tissue removed which were completely opposite of the cancer found in the initial biopsy findings back in April. I was previously treated for ER-, PR-, HER2+ invasive lobular carcinoma. The pathology showed that cancer was completely killed, but they found some ER+, PR- , HER2- cells remaining. The weird part is no one knows why these remnants were tested, as it is not standard practice. But it is so beneficial to have this info now, and have the opportunity to proactively treat me in case there are any cancer cells hiding. Pathology can only "see" what is in the tissue removed, and any sneaky remaining cells that are outside the area that was removed are too small to show up in mammograms or MRI's.

Because it is technically possible that there could be cancerous cells in my remaining breast tissue, I now have to do 2 more rounds of chemo, and will need the full cocktail of TCHP. I did not have the C (Carboplatin) previously. This is the drug that will make me sicker - alas why I feel I have been bean boozled!

So ultimately I am extremely grateful that this was found now, and I can do the chemo now rather than giving any cancerous cells the time to grow and being faced with doing this whole shitstorm over again in a few years. But I am definitely feeling salty about being sick again (and sicker this time), and will now have to take a stronger drug for my maintenance infusions every 3 weeks for a year, will need longer radiation, and will need to be on hormone blockers forever.

It is also sad to know I will lose my hair again as it has been growing back nicely. But I am not my hair, right?